Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
