So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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