it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
