in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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