i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
