Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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