you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
