I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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