I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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