he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm really busy with my period
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