And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
