Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
