I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
