god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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