I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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