Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
