just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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