i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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