If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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