I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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