Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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