I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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