I am in a vortex of obligation.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
