M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Is it because I queefed?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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