last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
In America we eat man semen.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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