Where is the hickey?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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