Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
