i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
