Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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