so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
