Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
