I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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