I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
