I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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