I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
