i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
