he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
third nipple confirmed
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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