You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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