don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
