do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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