I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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