I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
grandma shit on top of the toilet
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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