well I can't set my house on fire every night
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
