I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Randomize
