Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
