She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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