is your mom at the bar?
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
