Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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