Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
