sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
